Chapter 5: Influencing subjective happiness

It is difficult to steer feelings of people. Energy, experiences, stability and loneliness are very subjective. It is almost arrogant to say something in general about it and to advice how to handle these feelings when things are not going well. Still we will give it a try.

The energetic lucky devil and the warrior do not need to read this chapter. They should continue the way they live and not exaggerate things. Especially when you are close to 5 points on the subjective scorecard, it has no sense to improve it further. No, this chapter is primarily for the walley, the wrestler, the dayflower and the lazy Sunday child. Fortunately, most people are in this category, which is good for the ad's on this site.

Let us start by asking what in fact is wrong with having little energy, undergoing some bad experiences, feeling lonely and being unstable. You just go to bed a bit more often or to the bar where you can put life and your fellow human beings in perspective. You have your ups and downs and when you can accept the downs, the ups can be even very pleasant. Take all these so-called happy people who chase all different kinds of strange aims, such as earning money on the stock exchange, build their own house, pick up a pretty partner who later appears to be pretty troublesome or raise children who later take away all your money when they become addicted to drugs or their own pretty partners.

So why the trouble?

And indeed, when you get involved in nightlife you'll meet many people who are not so fussy with morality and the next morning. They even look quite happy. These Barfly and Tree Lounge type of people (from these movies) play a role and in a convincing way. Or take the beginning of Trainspotting, another movie, where the audience is asked why we hunt for the washing machine, the pensions, the big television set, the nappies and all other modern happiness factors. You do not need them if there is heroin. Take your best orgasm, multiply it by 1000 ad you still do not know what a good shot is alike.

But at the end all the principal persons from these movies finally end with trouble. Life of a drug addict, acid head, junkie or alcoholic appears to be misery and the one-dimensional feeling of luck not fitting to the multidimensional needs of a human being.

Perhaps, this is all is not very convincing, but let us assume that it really better to improve your own subjective feelings. Resigning oneself to one's fate is something for people who have no backbone. Even without a lot of effort, it should be possible to do more with your life and to steer happiness a bit more than now. Subjective factors are probably easier to tackle, as they are connected to feelings. And feelings you feel yourself.

Energy

How you can obtain more energy is described extensively in many books. Even putting your furniture in a different way can already provide the extra joules. Meditating half an hour a day will cause some much muscular pain that you will have to walk for some time to get rid of it. And eating only wheat muesli bread will also give extra energy.

There are more easy ways however. You obtain energy when you do things you like to do. Jazz musicians, writers and old foresters have in common that they often look energetic when they play, write or conduct tours. So do the things you appreciate doing.

But this advice may be too easy. We can also consider it from the other side. Which things cost energy and should be avoided? Look at the following top ten of energy wasters. 

1. People

It is remarkable how much energy a fellow human being can absorb. Everyone knows the feeling that you are exhausted when you are too long in the neighbourhood of someone. Some people are mental vampires and just like with real vampires it is true that sucking back is not an option. The best solution is to avoid these people as much as possible in your life.

2. Booze and drugs

Too much booze and drugs can destroy people. Of course it can provide temporary relief and lead to creative thoughts, but don't count on it too much. A select group of people can take it for a longer period, but do not think that you are an Iggy Pop as well. You are not.

3. Routine

When you have the same job, see the same friends all the time and do the same things every day, then you certainly save on energy. Lack of challenges makes energy less needed and life becomes a routine operation.

One day we wake up and realise that we need to get out of the boredom.

4. Lack of sleep

Enjoying a good night's rest provide a lot of energy. Lack of sleep on the contrary keeps the energy level low. Don't give it too much thought, invest in a good bed and accept that staying out till the early hours will cost you a lot of money and energy.

5. Quarreling

Quarrels consume a lot of energy. Do not look for confrontation with each and everyone, but also accept and neglect irritating things.

6. Stress

Many people cannot live without adrenaline. Especially workaholics need to be under pressure and even start to perform better because of it. A busy life gives them energy and without this energy they collapse.

However, it is also mainly this type of people who have a surplus of energy and need to get rid of it. For most other people stress is something eating away their nerves and stability. Too much pressure makes them tense and takes their energy away. You better try to prevent to be under stress when you are already unhappy.

Of course a little bit pressure is really needed sometimes and prevents that life becomes routine. And as we discussed before, also routine takes away energy. Important is to find a middle course in life between stress and routine. The way will be different for every one of us, depending on our life cycle and character.

7. Sport

Top-class sport is informally called in English: big-time sport. It consumes a lot of time and also energy. Training for a marathon means that you cannot do other things. You get things in return, like goof health and some satisfaction, but it will be at the expense of other happiness factors.

So when you feel that your sporting activities are a bit overdone and you would like to do other things in life, reduce your training efforts.

8. Illness

Fever, a cold and other illnesses all cost energy. Investing in good medicines and making fresh orange juice is not a foolish thing to do when you want to become happy.

9. Travelling

It is remarkable how much energy a simple travel from A to B can cost. Something sucks away our strength when we are only sitting and it is not so obvious what it is. You can do the same things in a bus or train as you can do at home: reading the newspaper, looking out of the window or have a conversation. And still you become more tired when travelling.

The thing that sucks contains more elements. One element is that the senses are more burdened, because you are moving and have to take stock of many things. In public transport there are often other people who can also take away energy (many people prefer their own car for exactly this reason). And finally there are less alternative activities available than at home and change of activity requires more effort. Deciding to read a book means taking your bag down from the luggage rack and going to the toilet means passing other people.  Your living space is being restricted 

10. Visits to family

And this is of course obvious to most of us. Much of what has been said before about living space, travelling, quarreling, people and routine is valid for family as well. Obligatory birthday parties in a large family can be an enormous inroad on energy.

Summarizing, energy requirements for the human body is like energy requirements for vehicles. It is all about saving energy, durable energy and refueling on time.

Experience

You have experience or you don't have experience. It is dependent on age, possibilities you had in the past to do things, the country you live in, chance, people you met in life and energy levels you had in the past to undertake things. Legitimate question is therefore how you can invest in experience.

There are two options. The first is to find new experiences and the second to cope with the experience that you already have.

The first option, looking for new experiences, can be done in different ways. People who think they are naive and unworldly can go for a journey around the world, leave their partner, find another job, try to meet other people, undertake new activities etc.

Concerning the option to deal with experiences you already have, it may be good to repeat that we mean with experience the things people personally experienced during their life. It is therefore a very subjective factor. When somebody has gone through a very bad period and finally arrived in a stable situation, this person will experience any happiness much more intense than someone else in a similar situation. People who were being spoilt in their youth and had few setbacks in their lives will be less able to value what they have attained.

In general there are three ways to cope with existing experiences

1. Turning bad experiences into something good

2. Nourish good experiences

3. Come to terms with, accept and forget fundamental sweeping events

Ad 1) an important question is how you can turn bad experiences into something good. After bad events such as being dismissed or being left by a partner, other subjective factors are often at a very low level as well. You have no energy, you are unstable and you feel lonely. The advises given at the sections above are therefore also applicable to bad experiences.

It may also help to write down for yourself the bad sites of the situation before the dramatic events. What were the disadvantages of the old job or the old husband? From there you can try to figure out what are the new opportunities and things you hate and can get rid of now more easily.

Of course it is also possible you did something very stupid yourself. For example you failed to watch over the deathbed of your mother and you blame yourself for it.

Again you may write down what character trait was responsible for this behaviour and how you would like to prevent that in future. For example, when you are lazy and did not get into the car in time, you can force yourself to get up every morning 15 minutes earlier than necessary to make a walk or clean the house. In this way you will punish yourself for your bad behaviour and do something useful at the same time. Often you do not have a new chance in the same field, but there are plenty of opportunities to find compensation in another area.

Ad 2) Nourishing good experiences are often easier, although much more can be derived from it. It is an art to identify and appreciate the good things in life (new friend, good website, a compliment). It will help if you write down what good things happened to you in the previous year. Sometimes you will notice that something was very pleasant, but that you forgot to give a follow-up to the event.

The following table gives room to write down these positive experiences and the possible follow-up. You can write down what will be your next step.

Ad 3) Come to terms with, accept and forget fundamental sweeping events is something that requires time. You may write down what positive effects the change had on your life (but do not start feeling guilty doing so). Forgetting without accepting can be dangerous, as bad memories may return when you grow older.

Stability

Many people think about a pair of scales and a balance when you mention stability. When the weights on one side are as heavy as the weights on the other side there is a balance. But just put one light additional weight on one of the sides and the balance is gone.

Fortunately, stability in life is less delicate. It is not a matter of having stability or not in life, but rather a matter of having too much stability or too much unbalance.

When people are too much balanced, life is boring. If you do not allow yourself to be emotional and if you never indulge in excesses, you may look balanced from the outside, but you will have many tensions and frustrations in your inner self. There is an easy solution for it. Loose the reins and take that second glass of wine or a lover. Show your emotions and don't be afraid to curse in the garden.

Unstable people should on the contrary try to put more order and discipline in their lives. They should drink less and should not mess around with other women or be seduced by any man. Keep your emotions inside and think first before cursing in public again.

Unbalanced people often have a surplus of energy, which is flowing in all directions. Just like youngsters, they are not able to channel their energy. They should try to focus the energy on happiness promoting activities and try to utilise bad experiences in a more positive way.

Loneliness

Loneliness is a feeling that is hard to tackle. In the next chapter I will describe how to find more friends and family, but that is not important here. Here we should look how we can avoid becoming alienated from the world around us.

Becoming a member of a certain sect or religion only help on short notice. Usually it appears not to be the solution to hand over your problems to a big leader who tells you how to solve your problems. Still it may be of help to sit together with a number of people with similar problems to discuss and philosophize about life. 

Another option can be found in the arts or your work. Sometimes when you are busy with concrete material you are more committed to the world around you. Nature also helps. If you go for a walk in the forests or mountains, you can forget about the concrete and blocks that surround us, so that we better understand and accept our existence.

Own subjective feelings

Finally you can try to make use of your own strong points, for example your sense of humor. You may also try to imagine how other people look at your happiness and try to put things in perspective.

Useful tips don't you think? I beg that during reading you have certainly thought about doing some things or forget about some bad habits. All tips are summarized in the table below where you can indicate what you want to do more and what less.

Home (questionnaire)
Chapter 1: objective happiness
Chapter 2: subjective happiness
Chapter 3: combining objective and subjective happiness
Chapter 4: six types of happiness 
Chapter 5: Influencing subjective happiness
Chapter 6: Investing in objective happiness